I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and thinking about the things I need to do in order to exist, but have no recollection of who the person staring back at me is.
i keep doing things for others and let others guide me because i have no idea who i am.
i'm just so alone. it feels so lonely.
but how can others help me if i dont know what i need
everything i love turns into a self-eating machine. people see me loving things and ask about it. and in that moment, i stop loving it. it stops being about my love and it starts being about theirs. i immediately stop loving something and i just want that person's approval on it
i end up distancing myself
and what i offer is never good enough, though.
i just want to grow with kindness in this world. i want to be at peace with myself. it feels like this can't be achieved without hurting people around me. it makes me so scared. i can't possibly hurt anyone, so i end up not allowing myself to feel things or to say no
i just lay there and take it. and if they love me for it, or if it makes money, than hey it must be the right thing
there is no stopping. quitting my job means starving
i just want to be mean
i just want to be quiet
i want to observe until i'm comfortable expressing myself
when i say something, i want to mean it
i don't want to ask a question ever again. i don't want to ask anyone what they think ever again.
god and it feels so awful to even suffer about this. to even have the privilege of crying because i feel empty over my warm bed at night
i'm just so shallow. there's nothing inside of me. i don't feel like i deserve any of the good things that happen to me.